I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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