Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
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My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
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