I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
