I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
