I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
