Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Randomize
