I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
