I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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