I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
If I die, sorry about rent.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
