I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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