people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
