the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
