Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Randomize
