Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
