well you can't waste a boner
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
