Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
