Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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