I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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