it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
