I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
