Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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