dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
