i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
