All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
