just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
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