I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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