The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
vagina is talking i cant
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
PS: I just woke up from my shower
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
