This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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