All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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