You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
