ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Randomize
