dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
this is an emotional support booty call
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
