Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize