Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
