I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
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