Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
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