Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
