does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
if i died would you start the facebook group?
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
