someone threw a dead crab at me
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
