my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I think I won the penis lottery.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Randomize
