she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
