The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
