no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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