I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize
