Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
