I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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