You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
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We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
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I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
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