Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
