ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Come on in and take your pants off
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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