I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
