Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
