i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
