I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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