I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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