Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
i just sent this text using only my big toe
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
