we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
