All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
