She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
NoShamevember. You game?
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
