Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
