No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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