Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
